humor Archives - Pittsburgh Quarterly

Somebody once asked Princess Di to name one thing she would change about herself. Without hesitation, she replied, “My nose.” Ah, the poor, long-suffering nose! Dissed by royals, no less. It’s the most maligned facial feature, but arguably the most indispensable. The eyes may be the windows of the soul, but the nose is the …

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Opinion

Letting Go

by Elizabeth Wiethorn

It was bound to happen sooner or later—Joe’s going off to college. I got a stay of execution for five months, given that his university didn’t open up campus for the first semester. You’d think I would have been ready. He was chomping at the bit to leave and kept himself busy for the past …

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Opinion

Redemption, Wilford Brimley and Walmart

by Elizabeth Wiethorn

The shopping cart wasn’t going that fast. For once, I wasn’t careening through Walmart like a contestant on Guy Fieri’s “Grocery Games,” simply because my cart was weighted down with two large cases of water, two big containers of clothes detergent (so much cheaper in the 255 ounce unliftable bottles), four vats of kitty litter …

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Opinion

Spinning Out of Control

by Elizabeth Wiethorn

Working from home for the past year has provided me with a one-minute commute to my home office and easy access to my favorite meal replacement—potato chips and dip. One of these perks resulted in my favorite jeans shrinking considerably and the realization that it was time to again try a dreaded fitness class. I …

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Opinion

A Love Story

by Elizabeth Deiseroth

I met Rita on our mutual first day of employment in the kitchen of a suburban Pittsburgh family 13 years ago. Our boss, Betsy, was delighted with our installation, as it meant that her long and inconvenient kitchen renovation project was complete. Rita and I were placed on either side of a white, 36-inch wide, …

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Opinion

Nailed It

by Elizabeth Wiethorn

I recently received a nail salon gift card, which I thought was a bit unusual, because I have short, raggedy nails and giant “Man-Hands.” My “Man-Hands” are definitely passed down from my father’s side—my Uncle Willis could bend bottle caps into little tacos just using his thumb and index finger—and my Dad had thick strong …

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Opinion

Marital Secrets

by Elizabeth Wiethorn

If there is one thing I have learned after being married for 17 years, it is that every marriage has secrets. Anybody who tells you different has never been married. Most secrets can be classified into three categories: Benign: “I don’t see what the big idea is, a lot of middle-aged men collect ‘Hello Kitty’ …

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